I fucked up.

ha ha. The ONE person that I trust with anything pretty much hates me.. but you know.. it's fine. I'm only wanting to chase a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka..

I guess I'm a horrible person who is ignorant, arrogant, and only thinks about myself. Seeing as this isn't the first time or the first person that I've heard this from, maybe it's true. maybe I am worthless and a horrible person. ha ha. maybe the thought that I'm worth at least a little bit is all in my head. maybe I'm just insane. But then again, who isn't insane? Who doesn't like to think that they are a good person, and worth at least a little bit.

I guess, according to Thom, I think that I'm the only person in this world with problems, if I thought that, don't you think that I wouldn't listen to other peoples problems? wouldn't I think that they don't have them? If I didn't think anyone else had problems, why would I be willing to listen to anything that anyone ever has to complain about? Wouldn't I just tell them that their life is perfect and that they need to stop complaining?

I guess I'm arrogant too. Because EVERYONE knows how highly I think of myself.. I mean.. sure. I think that I'm such a wonderful person. I mean.. I'm really great! I'm just awesome! (if you know me, then you will understand that all of that was said in sarcasm, but if you don't... I'm informing you that all of that was said in sarcasm)

And I guess that I'm ignorant because I don't understand that the world is really great if I just gave it a chance.. I guess I'm just so ignorant that I never even THOUGHT about actually trying to be happy. I guess what happened was I was born, and I automatically decided that the world is a horrible place.. I mean. it isn't like I could have actually had horrible things happen! of course not! that's just stupid! (there I go with the sarcasm again.)

ha ha. I'm such a horrible, awful, disgraceful, person! I never listen to anyone, and I only care about myself. My goodness. I'm so glad that all of my faults were brought to my attention, I've never thought about them until now! My goodness, I just see the world in a whole new light! ( Do I ever stop with the sarcasm? No.. )


Fuck man.. whatever. I'm a bad person. I know. But in all honesty.. I don't give a shit. If you people don't like it, you can suck my imaginary fucking cock.

yay!

I took a picture of a pretty apple tree!

Celebrating the Birth of my Dread :D

Name : Phillip

Birthdate : 7/6/07 2:53 Pm

Length : 10 inches

Number of Beads : One

... More poetry.

Now, this poem is fucking long, and has a pretty crazy rhyme scheme. But if you have the patience to read it, I think that you'll like the story.

I sit here locked in my cage
My captor stares at me
Oblivious to my silent, unspoken rage
My captor locks the door and leaves
I sit and stare at the barred walls
I feel nothing of my surroundings
Out the door are the familiar halls
But I don't deserve their warmth
The hours pass and I haven't moved
I hear the door unlatch and open
Fresh food is set, the old removed
I wont touch the nourishment given to me
The man who brought the food
Stood to watch and wait
I feel a change in the room, a different mood
I look up to see his face
i am greeted by a smile, one I barely even see
I quickly look away from him
The smile isn't meant for me
I don't deserve the gesture
He bows his head and leaves the room
leaving the door unlocked
I have a way to escape my tomb
and escape I don't deserve
I look at the food sitting on my bed
I consider it for a moment
The memories of flavor flash in my head
The anger returns and I turn away
I lean against the cold stone wall
the wall that kept me company so long
the wall I wont let crumble and fall
my only source of protection
The man comes the next day
more food that I'll never touch
Once again the man chooses to stay
he sits down beside me
I don't even look at him
he puts his hand om my shoulder
I shy away and his smile grows dim
He slowly gets up to leave
I sit alone another day
my mind swimming with his face
I try keeping the thoughts at bay
My mind doesn't respond to the struggle
He comes back that night
He sits and talks with me
The urge to laugh with him is something to fight
I tell him he should go, I don't want him to leave
I don't deserve his warmth
I should be left alone
I don't deserve his warmth
It is something I should forget
He returns with more food and drink
I refuse it once again
The man stays and makes me thing
I may deserve this food
A small bite is how it came along
Soon the plate is bare
All this suffering had been wrong
What I don't deserve is the hunger
He leaves me with the empty plate
I realize my mistake
I never deserved the food, now it is too late
I vomit my regrets back up
My captor comes into my chamber
A mask as black as night
I feel a stomach churning danger
And I grab them by the throat
I feel them grab my arms
Trying to force me away
The attempt is wasted, the are caught by my charms
I feel the life slowly leave them
My suffering slowly stops
I gain confidence, with every breath they miss
Their pulse accelerates then drops
They lay lifeless on the floor.
I lean over their dead body, still and pale
I pull off the mast
My breath begins to fail
I'm looking at the face of my father.
I look away and then back
The mask is back on
Still dark, still black
I pull it off again
This time the face of my mother
Looks up at me
Then the face changes to another and another
Some are strangers, some I know
Finally the face stops changing
I gasp and press my back to the wall
I feel my thoughts rearranging
I'm looking down at my own lifeless eyes
I have been keeping myself here
I locked myself here in torment
Out of pain and out of fear
It is all my fault
The man walks into my room
Not noticing the dead body
He pushes away any thoughts of doom
as he gently takes my hand
Now I know I'm free
because all my captor was, is me.

I was feeling poetic.

Look at that, look at yourself
Making all these changes
Wait until you love yourself
Making silent, content exchanges
Force feed yourself positive things
Ones that you vomit back up
Choke on the sweet bite happiness brings
Until I have had enough
Don't look at me now
I don't want you watching me gag
I'm throwing up my voice box now
Quieting screams with a bloody rag
These changes make it hard to breathe
I'm silently choking on the warm fresh breeze.

- June 27 2007/July 2 2007

If you are easily offended.. Don't read this.

Well, seeing as I'm a worthless piece of shit, I should probably just go die. But instead, I'm going to rant about how much of a worthless piece of shit I am on here. It'll be good times.

So apparently the biggest thing that makes me a worthless piece of shit is that I'm not a Christian. Apparently I'm ignorant because I don't believe in an imaginary man that lives in the sky. I am a horrible person because I don't believe that we all came from two people who were made from some dirt and a rib. According to someone who "loves me" I'm going to hell, I'm ignorant, and I don't know anything about what I'm talking about. I guess he just knows far more than me. I guess I'm just stupid because I have been through too much shit to believe that there is someone looking out for me. No. Fuck that, I'm too smart to rely on an imaginary man in the clouds to protect and save me. All I have is myself, and fuck, that's all I need.

Of course there are many contributing factors that make me a worthless piece of shit. But I've complained about those already. I won't bore you again. Just read some of my other blogs if you don't know what they are. But then again, if you know me, you already know exactly why I'm a worthless piece of shit.

Fuck you people. I should just fucking shoot myself in the face. You people are tired of me anyways. I'm only good to fucking have around when I can help you. Other than that. I'm just a worthless fucking pagan. All anyone has fucking done these last few weeks is fucking complain at me about all the shit that is wrong in their lives. I'm fucking tired of it. Yeah. I'll help you, but when you complain about the SAME EXACT SHIT over and over EVERY FUCKING DAY I'm going to get sick of it. Just fucking leave me alone people. The next person to talk to me about something that they've talked to me about before I'm just going to fucking scream at them. I CAN'T FUCKING TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAT I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY YOU STUPID FUCKING DOUCHE BAGS! SO JUST STOP! YOU PEOPLE ARE PRETTY MUCH ADULTS, I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT YOU CAN DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ON YOUR OWN. FUCK! I COULD DEAL WITH THE SHIT YOU PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT ON MY OWN AND I'M 15. SO JUST SHUT UP.

Don't fucking comment on this with "Sara, now that wasn't very nice" I don't fucking give a shit if it's nice or not. I really don't. So if you're going to lecture me on my language, or my manners, then just fuck off. I don't want to hear it. You people are fucking stupid.

Last day of school

So, today was awesome. I did my Art final thing, yup. I kicked ass at it. it was awesome. And then I went to Tech. and we just fucked off, I got some awesome videos, a couple of Nate B. rapping, just one really long one about nothing. Yup. then I went to Child Development, and after I finished the final in there, I left to hang out with my best buddy Nathan Cox. He's cool. We walked around school getting stuff on video, we got this kid Mike playing DDR. he kicked ass at it. He's my hero. Then we went to go silly string Cutters room, but she was like "NO GUYS! I JUST GOT IN A ARGUMENT WITH THE JANITOR! PLEASE DON'T!" and we didn't because she's an awesome teacher, and we don't want her being in trouble. So then Nathan gave me a ride home in his Impala, it was fucking awesome. It was red. It was nice. It had awesomeness seaping from it. Yes. So we still had the silly string, so we did driveby shootings with silly string. It was fucking awesome. Yup.

In all, it was an awesome last day of school.

The BEST part about it, is that I get to celebrate, today is the last day that I have to see Adam. I never have to look at that kid again. I will never again hear his voice. I am happy.

But yeah, I'll get the videos up as soon as I can. It'll be awesome.

What I want.

I want a boy. One who respects me. I want a boy who loves me endlessly. I want a boy who is honest and caring. I want a boy who will just hold me when I have a bad day until I feel better. I want a boy who will tell me anything, and who I can tell everything to. I want a boy who is nice to my friend, even when he doesn’t like them. A boy my brothers approve of. I want a boy who I can believe when he tells me that I’m beautiful. I want a boy who tells me everyday that he loves me. I want a boy who has almost everything in common with me. I want a boy who holds my hand in the hall and writes me notes. I want a boy who doesn’t get mad at me when I mess up, who sees me as perfect no matter what I do. I want a boy who can accept my past and never judge me for it, and never use it against me. I want a boy who is charming and witty. I want a boy who knows when to be serious and when to be playful. I want a boy who can make me laugh, and would never make me cry. I want a boy who would never hit me. I want a boy who is patient and understand that my paranoia is because I think they are so great that they would never love someone like me. I want a boy who lets me hang out with him and his friends. I want a boy who supports me and all my geeky hobbies like chess, video games, comics, and computers. A boy who would never tell me I can’t do something or that I’m not good enough. A boy, who never questions why I randomly scream in quiet room. I want a boy who is smart and can have an intellectual conversation with me, where he is more involved that the occasional “yeah” or “Ok”. I want a guy who can debate with me without getting too aggressive. I want a guy who will never yell at me. Who will never say that I’m stupid or worthless. A boy who will never make me decide what we go do unless I want to. I want a boy who knows how to have fun. I want a boy who lets me play with his hair. I want a guy who joins in when I start air guitaring to no music. I want a guy who has goals, a guy who wants to get somewhere in life. I want a boy who is going to stay around. I want a boy willing to do anything for me. I want a boy that makes me feel like I’m just as great as he says I am. I want a boy who knows that I’m crazy, and loves it. I want a boy who isn’t afraid to talk about how he feels. I want a boy who will stay awake all night with me when I’m afraid to fall asleep. I want a boy that remembers my birthday. I want a boy that doesn’t consider me ‘one of the guys’ when I start talking about cars or sports. I want a boy that I can love without getting hurt. I want a boy to completely devote myself to. I want a boy that can be my everything. I want a boy that I can do all of the things he does for me to him. I want a boy that I can make feel as loved as he makes me feel.