I fucked up.

ha ha. The ONE person that I trust with anything pretty much hates me.. but you know.. it's fine. I'm only wanting to chase a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka..

I guess I'm a horrible person who is ignorant, arrogant, and only thinks about myself. Seeing as this isn't the first time or the first person that I've heard this from, maybe it's true. maybe I am worthless and a horrible person. ha ha. maybe the thought that I'm worth at least a little bit is all in my head. maybe I'm just insane. But then again, who isn't insane? Who doesn't like to think that they are a good person, and worth at least a little bit.

I guess, according to Thom, I think that I'm the only person in this world with problems, if I thought that, don't you think that I wouldn't listen to other peoples problems? wouldn't I think that they don't have them? If I didn't think anyone else had problems, why would I be willing to listen to anything that anyone ever has to complain about? Wouldn't I just tell them that their life is perfect and that they need to stop complaining?

I guess I'm arrogant too. Because EVERYONE knows how highly I think of myself.. I mean.. sure. I think that I'm such a wonderful person. I mean.. I'm really great! I'm just awesome! (if you know me, then you will understand that all of that was said in sarcasm, but if you don't... I'm informing you that all of that was said in sarcasm)

And I guess that I'm ignorant because I don't understand that the world is really great if I just gave it a chance.. I guess I'm just so ignorant that I never even THOUGHT about actually trying to be happy. I guess what happened was I was born, and I automatically decided that the world is a horrible place.. I mean. it isn't like I could have actually had horrible things happen! of course not! that's just stupid! (there I go with the sarcasm again.)

ha ha. I'm such a horrible, awful, disgraceful, person! I never listen to anyone, and I only care about myself. My goodness. I'm so glad that all of my faults were brought to my attention, I've never thought about them until now! My goodness, I just see the world in a whole new light! ( Do I ever stop with the sarcasm? No.. )


Fuck man.. whatever. I'm a bad person. I know. But in all honesty.. I don't give a shit. If you people don't like it, you can suck my imaginary fucking cock.

yay!

I took a picture of a pretty apple tree!

Celebrating the Birth of my Dread :D

Name : Phillip

Birthdate : 7/6/07 2:53 Pm

Length : 10 inches

Number of Beads : One

... More poetry.

Now, this poem is fucking long, and has a pretty crazy rhyme scheme. But if you have the patience to read it, I think that you'll like the story.

I sit here locked in my cage
My captor stares at me
Oblivious to my silent, unspoken rage
My captor locks the door and leaves
I sit and stare at the barred walls
I feel nothing of my surroundings
Out the door are the familiar halls
But I don't deserve their warmth
The hours pass and I haven't moved
I hear the door unlatch and open
Fresh food is set, the old removed
I wont touch the nourishment given to me
The man who brought the food
Stood to watch and wait
I feel a change in the room, a different mood
I look up to see his face
i am greeted by a smile, one I barely even see
I quickly look away from him
The smile isn't meant for me
I don't deserve the gesture
He bows his head and leaves the room
leaving the door unlocked
I have a way to escape my tomb
and escape I don't deserve
I look at the food sitting on my bed
I consider it for a moment
The memories of flavor flash in my head
The anger returns and I turn away
I lean against the cold stone wall
the wall that kept me company so long
the wall I wont let crumble and fall
my only source of protection
The man comes the next day
more food that I'll never touch
Once again the man chooses to stay
he sits down beside me
I don't even look at him
he puts his hand om my shoulder
I shy away and his smile grows dim
He slowly gets up to leave
I sit alone another day
my mind swimming with his face
I try keeping the thoughts at bay
My mind doesn't respond to the struggle
He comes back that night
He sits and talks with me
The urge to laugh with him is something to fight
I tell him he should go, I don't want him to leave
I don't deserve his warmth
I should be left alone
I don't deserve his warmth
It is something I should forget
He returns with more food and drink
I refuse it once again
The man stays and makes me thing
I may deserve this food
A small bite is how it came along
Soon the plate is bare
All this suffering had been wrong
What I don't deserve is the hunger
He leaves me with the empty plate
I realize my mistake
I never deserved the food, now it is too late
I vomit my regrets back up
My captor comes into my chamber
A mask as black as night
I feel a stomach churning danger
And I grab them by the throat
I feel them grab my arms
Trying to force me away
The attempt is wasted, the are caught by my charms
I feel the life slowly leave them
My suffering slowly stops
I gain confidence, with every breath they miss
Their pulse accelerates then drops
They lay lifeless on the floor.
I lean over their dead body, still and pale
I pull off the mast
My breath begins to fail
I'm looking at the face of my father.
I look away and then back
The mask is back on
Still dark, still black
I pull it off again
This time the face of my mother
Looks up at me
Then the face changes to another and another
Some are strangers, some I know
Finally the face stops changing
I gasp and press my back to the wall
I feel my thoughts rearranging
I'm looking down at my own lifeless eyes
I have been keeping myself here
I locked myself here in torment
Out of pain and out of fear
It is all my fault
The man walks into my room
Not noticing the dead body
He pushes away any thoughts of doom
as he gently takes my hand
Now I know I'm free
because all my captor was, is me.

I was feeling poetic.

Look at that, look at yourself
Making all these changes
Wait until you love yourself
Making silent, content exchanges
Force feed yourself positive things
Ones that you vomit back up
Choke on the sweet bite happiness brings
Until I have had enough
Don't look at me now
I don't want you watching me gag
I'm throwing up my voice box now
Quieting screams with a bloody rag
These changes make it hard to breathe
I'm silently choking on the warm fresh breeze.

- June 27 2007/July 2 2007